'But everybody else can...!'

“But Jemima Gruntfuttock’s mum always lets her stay out in town after 12.00! In fact I’m the only one who…and she’s got the Noki Sonyson P7000 with digital 4 mp toastmaker and doesn’t have to pay the abo…”

This is a tricky one, and right now you are thinking ‘You are telling us?! There are actually two issues here. One is to do with parents of teenagers always being wrong in the latter’s eyes when parents do not agree with them. This is to do with growth hormones. The young lion surveying the sun soaked savannah grass washing this way and that in the hot breeze, or chimpanzee if you will, and wanting more power, challenges the established symbol of authority, takes more personal risks until it feels powerful enough to chase away the current (and in his view obsolescent) leader. This urge is something that does not really fit into our urban jungle lifestyle scene. So the teen needs to be presented instead with worthwhile, authentic opportunities to feel a sense of increasing and real responsibility that is not imparted merely by a bigger spending allowance or more freedom later at night downtown with friends.

The second issue is to do with the paradox of a teen wishing to be different whilst wanting at all costs to be an accepted and identifiable part of the pack, the gang, the group; hence the odd and challenging fashions even if they are cold or uncomfortable, or the virtually incomprehensible and rapidly changing jargon they use, in micro soundbites, to communicate. These rituals exclude or include as the teen requires. For the teen wants to be an individual and respected for being such on the teen’s terms as well as to be loved enormously and included in everything at the same time.

So what is the answer for responsible parents of teens who wish to continue so to be, rather than the increasingly attractive alternative of simply going mad? First, be there! There is absolutely no substitute for the parents’ love and interest, involvement and concern, boundary setting and boundless love. This role connects the reassuring past common to all members of that family, to the launch pad to independence where informed decisions will be made. There is no substitute.

Next, find out what other teen parents are really doing and saying to their children, to get the information first hand rather than through a frankly biased messenger. Another idea is for grade parents to pool ideas about the dynamite issues of, say, the amount of spending money, the time of last train home (yours, not the SBB’s), sleeping over, attitude to alcohol (beer as opposed to spirits?), smoking (‘My parents let me at home…’) and so on. Only the G9 (or G10 or G8) pool of parents will be able to come up with the full spectrum of issues relevant to international teenagers growing up now in the city.

Now, come up with a set of agreements or procedures (‘If she says she’s sleeping over at Muriel’s I’ll check with Muriel’s mum there will be someone there. I’ll also check if another adult in the next room watching TV would be a help.’) Check out the clubs and pubs that some of these teens go to and where, by the way, they can access alcohol whatever the law might state (‘I just ask the first young adult who comes by and give him the money…’ was quoted to me this month.) Use the Web to check the sites. If they do go out in a group insist that you know exactly where they will be at all times; avoid the random as it hides the unknown. And so on…your pool of parents will cover all of this and more.

And will an increase of knowledge (you), or interference (them), cause more stress in the family? Maybe for a moment, but it will eventually just prove your loving concern. It did for me with my teenager.