Here we go again…a non-contact period, a blank white ‘page’ on the Microsoft Office screen and chilly, slanting rain sliding down my office window smearing my view of a soiled grey concrete wall…not much there for inspiration. And suddenly my doorway darkens with the figure of a student.
I have now been interrupted, willingly, by four different groups of students who were variously asking for information, telling me information or just coming in to say hello. Sorry, make that five as two 5th grade girls just came by, stopped to say hello, tell me about the assembly they were practising a poem recital for (they are nervous but are really doing it for their friend’s sake as she likes performing and they do not want to let her down) and ask me if I liked my job. So this topic is now what I want to write about.
ICS has always had a culture of communication between the adults and the children. As long as I can remember and that is nearly as long as Mr. Mills or Mr. Greaves can, children have felt comfortable coming up to us to chat about whatever they are enjoying or what ever is troubling them, spontaneously, openly. This is a pedagogical characteristic that is precious and cannot easily be bought, taught or acquired by attending a seminar. It would seem that the kids pass it on by doing it and therefore modelling it in front of new students or members of a group; that new teachers quickly realise it is a wonderful, essential part of the ICS style and absorb it..
As a result it is relatively rare compared to other schools in our collective experience, that a major event, a hurricane of a bad decision if I may use an unfortunately topical meteorological metaphor, strikes our ‘island’ without some advance warning. The warning is almost always accurate. The spirit of the warning is almost always the need to protect a friend from her/himself as a temptation or action or dialogue is on the brink of being enacted which would cause unfortunate reputational damage to its enactor.
No, I am not talking about kids telling tales or sneaking. This confidence sharing is altogether something far more sophisticated and valuable. I am talking about a child supporting a friend during difficult times of ‘teenagerhood’, of offering help and advice (forcefully if necessary) out of community concern, of risking damaging their relationship in the interest of helping their friend. This is altruism. And as a result a huge amount of my dean’s time is spent just listening, and then asking what it is a student wants me to do (maybe it is just to listen as good listeners seem to be a dying breed), asking what she/he had done so far, constructing an action plan, and dropping hints in the appropriate ear. What might I be doing during dean’s time in different educational culture? Well, I would be lecturing, ticking off, assigning punishment (or sanction or consequences or mandating a conversation - whichever is the current PC phrase). I would be seeing aggressive and uncooperative and sad teenagers, maybe the same old faces of repeat offenders and not really achieving much in the way of amelioration.
To end on a personal and parental note, I was so pleased that my teenage son found someone in his very strict Swiss secondary school to whom he could open up, as there are always going to be heaps of things that teens just do not want to discuss with us, their parents, right now. And be assure that ICS is full of such adults.
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
Wednesday, 27 August 2008
welcome Back IF...
‘Welcome back!’ That’s what I want to say. Not original, not at all and you will hear many people say this many, many times, of course, over the first few days. This traditional greeting is symbolic, semiotic even, and stands for fond messages, good wishes and hopes for a pleasant vacation, saying the socially correct thing at the right occasion and all sorts of other subtexts depending on status of speaker, status of speakee and the situation (and in the UK the weather, of course.)
I, too, have a subtext as Dean of Students which runs something like this:
If you are new to our rather special ICS society then a very sincere welcome indeed!
If you are one of our wonderfully supportive parents or guardians, or…
If you are one of our charming, motivated and exemplary students then you are more welcome than I can express in a short Blog; these people are in a vast majority.
If you are a teenager then you are especially welcome if your intention is to work to improve your performance in as many school relevant areas as possible and to become an example of a successful and fun kid contributing to and benefiting from the academic, the sport, the artistic and the social aspects of the curriculum.
If you have occasionally and in exceptional circumstances parked your car where it is not supposed to go (we clearly indicate where for the safety of the students and smooth running of the school) or have driven down the driveway on the phone or with a cup of hot coffee in your hand but will never do this again and indeed you will encourage others to follow your example, then you are exceptionally welcome.
If you have been entered in the Dean’s Log in the past but intend never to repeat this experience then to you a special welcome back to the fold.
And as a colleague pointed out to me, if you all do all of this then I, in my role as Dean of Students, could be out of a job…
I, too, have a subtext as Dean of Students which runs something like this:
If you are new to our rather special ICS society then a very sincere welcome indeed!
If you are one of our wonderfully supportive parents or guardians, or…
If you are one of our charming, motivated and exemplary students then you are more welcome than I can express in a short Blog; these people are in a vast majority.
If you are a teenager then you are especially welcome if your intention is to work to improve your performance in as many school relevant areas as possible and to become an example of a successful and fun kid contributing to and benefiting from the academic, the sport, the artistic and the social aspects of the curriculum.
If you have occasionally and in exceptional circumstances parked your car where it is not supposed to go (we clearly indicate where for the safety of the students and smooth running of the school) or have driven down the driveway on the phone or with a cup of hot coffee in your hand but will never do this again and indeed you will encourage others to follow your example, then you are exceptionally welcome.
If you have been entered in the Dean’s Log in the past but intend never to repeat this experience then to you a special welcome back to the fold.
And as a colleague pointed out to me, if you all do all of this then I, in my role as Dean of Students, could be out of a job…
Monday, 25 August 2008
Final Blog of the Year
Another year of Deaning and the first year of The Dean’s Blog has come and gone.
The Dean of Students has subdivided into the Deans of Duties, Food Queues, Hats on in the Dining Room whilst Eating, Red Top is a Non Eating Zone, Red Top Usage, Poor Decision Making, Occasional Bullying, Occasional Disrespect, Snowballs, Blocked Toilets, Graffitied Desks and Doors, Late to Class, ‘Not on the Field today, it’s too wet!’, ‘It’s not fair…’, ‘It wasn’t me…’, and more.
Blogs have been written about behaviour and neighbours and rain and the library and Africa and helicopters and animal traces, not to mention teenage dialect and losing things or having them stolen and forgetfulness and breaking rules and the nature of the (teenage) beast, as well as ‘Why can’t I? Why shouldn’t I? and moments of despair and of fulfillment for parents, and more.
There were a below average number of Deanworthy events to log. Deanish interviews were at the usual level and there was a lower than average range of behaviours. Kids talking and thinking twice and not going ahead with the wrong decision seemed up. Repeat offenders were down.
Balance? A good year overall.
The Dean of Students has subdivided into the Deans of Duties, Food Queues, Hats on in the Dining Room whilst Eating, Red Top is a Non Eating Zone, Red Top Usage, Poor Decision Making, Occasional Bullying, Occasional Disrespect, Snowballs, Blocked Toilets, Graffitied Desks and Doors, Late to Class, ‘Not on the Field today, it’s too wet!’, ‘It’s not fair…’, ‘It wasn’t me…’, and more.
Blogs have been written about behaviour and neighbours and rain and the library and Africa and helicopters and animal traces, not to mention teenage dialect and losing things or having them stolen and forgetfulness and breaking rules and the nature of the (teenage) beast, as well as ‘Why can’t I? Why shouldn’t I? and moments of despair and of fulfillment for parents, and more.
There were a below average number of Deanworthy events to log. Deanish interviews were at the usual level and there was a lower than average range of behaviours. Kids talking and thinking twice and not going ahead with the wrong decision seemed up. Repeat offenders were down.
Balance? A good year overall.
Friday, 13 June 2008
Graduates' Survival Cookbook entry
Mr D’s recipe for getting target person to fancy you something dreadful as a result of eating Potato Bake
Potato Bake needs several large potatoes, a packet of grated parmesan cheese, ¼ litre of double cream, cool clothes, 1/3 litre milk, two twigs of fresh rosemary or powdered stuff in bottle, black pepper, dimmed lights, salt, great music, large red candle, one packet of your natural and irresistible charm.
1. peel and slice potatoes and place overlapping in rows in easykleen, no stick, wipe with old t shirt oven dish
2. add milk over the top evenly
3. place or sprinkle rosemary on top, grind pepper, add a bit of salt and place in medium oven
4. have a beer
5. after about 25 minutes in the oven (dish not you) remove burned milk skin (your fault), add cream and cover with parmesan
6. have a beer
7. sort clothes, music, candle and charm
8. after 15 minutes in oven remove, check if cream still gooey and parmesan brown and serve. If not, wait (if white) or start again (if black) depending
9. serve with dressed lettuce – no need for meat because…
…if target person is male praise strength enhancing attributes of potatoes and protein in cheese whilst winking salaciously, whereas…
…if target person is female, quote Hamlet act 4 scene 5 line 172 ‘There’s rosemary, that’s for remembrance; pray, love, remember…’ as you serve and avoid smug smirk of sincerity.
Potato Bake needs several large potatoes, a packet of grated parmesan cheese, ¼ litre of double cream, cool clothes, 1/3 litre milk, two twigs of fresh rosemary or powdered stuff in bottle, black pepper, dimmed lights, salt, great music, large red candle, one packet of your natural and irresistible charm.
1. peel and slice potatoes and place overlapping in rows in easykleen, no stick, wipe with old t shirt oven dish
2. add milk over the top evenly
3. place or sprinkle rosemary on top, grind pepper, add a bit of salt and place in medium oven
4. have a beer
5. after about 25 minutes in the oven (dish not you) remove burned milk skin (your fault), add cream and cover with parmesan
6. have a beer
7. sort clothes, music, candle and charm
8. after 15 minutes in oven remove, check if cream still gooey and parmesan brown and serve. If not, wait (if white) or start again (if black) depending
9. serve with dressed lettuce – no need for meat because…
…if target person is male praise strength enhancing attributes of potatoes and protein in cheese whilst winking salaciously, whereas…
…if target person is female, quote Hamlet act 4 scene 5 line 172 ‘There’s rosemary, that’s for remembrance; pray, love, remember…’ as you serve and avoid smug smirk of sincerity.
Monday, 19 May 2008
‘We do have neighbours to consider, you know!’
And then there are our neighbours…I spend a good deal of time working on this issue with students as Dean of Good Neighbourly Relations. Sometimes it’s observational as I stroll at break time around by Waltikon station, past the filling station, across to the Denner loading bay via the Kusnacht bus stop, back to the DSC and then along the rear path to the Annexe checking in ‘Smokers’ Bikeshed’ on the way, greeting our students cheerily and encouraging them to unblock the pavement and retrieve the litter just dropped. How do I usually get involved if there is a formal complaint from a neighbour? Well, last time it was a sunny Thursday morning as a fresh but tepid, early spring wind ruffled the crisp sycamore twigs when a phone call ruffled my desk …
Basically we had the following problem: A very noisy, nervous, small, black dog tethered near to the outside door of Migros was fed popcorn by a student who felt sorry for it. Its enraged owner apparently received less than a handsome apology from the student concerned (though it was admitted by her that neither spoke the other’s language – the humans not the dog.)
But in the previous two weeks a few of our students had also taken a short cut through neighbourhood industrial premises and a very few had trespassed on private land in order, in the unseasonably pleasant sunshine, to eat lunch or even smoke a cigarette. (Clarification: ICS is a No Smoking Zone for adults and students on, and to and fro the main geographic campus (MB, DSC, Stables, Academy, Annexe, pool, sports fields and gyms being borrowed and at lunchtime around Migros Island) during the school day or at school events periods as well as on Field Trips and Field Days.) Students were accumulating in noisy and apparently financially negligible groups at the entrance to and in the foyer of Migros at 1.05 and 3.30 and occasionally leaving a mess. None of these are heinous crimes. Not all of them are committed by ICS students. None of them are committed only by ICS students. But they are all irritating to our neighbours living and/or earning their living nearby.
I am either phoned directly (‘Gruezi, Herr Darlington. Hier ist die Migros Central Administration Stadt Zurich…’) or notified by email (‘Nick, please phone Frau Huerlimann on 012 345 6789…Our students are trespassing at lunchtime.’)
What do I do? Well, I start with a few controversial comments way under my breath, in that secret place we all have at the back of our mind – this is good for a calmer Karma I was told, because this is going to take time and diplomacy as I defend the basically excellent behaviour of our ICS students whilst acknowledging the presence of a rotten apple, or an apple tempted into making a rotten decision. Then I telephone to make an appointment.(‘Ja, gruezi wohl, Frau Huerlimaa! Saged sie, wie labed Sie?Wie gaht es Ihre Maa?) Then I make a visit to assess damage and effect its limitation control. Afterall, some of these circumstances could really be annoying, for example in excess of 300 children traipsing past your door twice a day (and in some cases up to 60 teenagers traipsing up to 10 times a day). On the other hand these are Normal Teenagers which all adults presumably once were. Maybe our neighbours even now own a NT but do not want the added aggravation of dozens of them; yet not every single noisy or careless teenager in the neighbourhood is from the ICS any way. (You spotted I was getting a little defensive there of our students.) Furthermore, an inability to find a common language in a moment of stress can tighten the tension (see reference to small dog above.) Then there is the not eccentric view that four or so assorted large teenagers lounging even sprawling, eating even smoking next to your garden gate whilst speaking loudly in an unfamiliar tongue can be intimidating. And then when they go if they leave their litter there on your ground…well, apoplexy is excusable.
Now I have to find the culprits (I am quite good at this); I speak at an assembly; I ask the tutor to address the students; or I have a Deanish one-on-one depending on the circumstances. Maybe an apology is written or delivered orally, maybe some useful community chores are added to the recipe so that there is an opportunity for reflection and reparation. Several factors dictate which and how much. Whatever, the kids have to see we are in a Swiss community and that big bunches of noisy, extrovert kids might be irritating in certain circumstances so we need to be squeaky clean, therefore, in order to maintain or establish a popular image and reputation. And I am going to push this, they know (or do now.) We are all ambassadors, I say, even when we think we are out of sight or earshot. And stepping aside to let a senior Swiss citizen walk by on the pavement of her own village rather than, say, continuing up Strubenacher in a wide, progress-blocking and frankly intimidating noisy mixed group of 60 ninth graders thus forcing her to step out into the Strubenacher Grand Prix, is a sign of good manners, too.
And this generally does the trick (until the next time), because our ICS students are nothing if not amenable to an appeal to their common sense and good upbringing (but are so involved with the present and the ‘me’).
So now in order to complete the purge I appeal to the few parents and few teachers who short cut across Rinspeed’s courtyard and through the Opel garage behind Waltikon FB station to rethink this decision as it is trespass as well as dangerous. Like the proprietors say to me, big vehicles will be backing out with drivers only cursorily using their rear view mirrors. And I did point out to a close neighbour that we expected their Administration to do something about their customers who park in the DSC parking places whilst going shopping. And they did.
Basically we had the following problem: A very noisy, nervous, small, black dog tethered near to the outside door of Migros was fed popcorn by a student who felt sorry for it. Its enraged owner apparently received less than a handsome apology from the student concerned (though it was admitted by her that neither spoke the other’s language – the humans not the dog.)
But in the previous two weeks a few of our students had also taken a short cut through neighbourhood industrial premises and a very few had trespassed on private land in order, in the unseasonably pleasant sunshine, to eat lunch or even smoke a cigarette. (Clarification: ICS is a No Smoking Zone for adults and students on, and to and fro the main geographic campus (MB, DSC, Stables, Academy, Annexe, pool, sports fields and gyms being borrowed and at lunchtime around Migros Island) during the school day or at school events periods as well as on Field Trips and Field Days.) Students were accumulating in noisy and apparently financially negligible groups at the entrance to and in the foyer of Migros at 1.05 and 3.30 and occasionally leaving a mess. None of these are heinous crimes. Not all of them are committed by ICS students. None of them are committed only by ICS students. But they are all irritating to our neighbours living and/or earning their living nearby.
I am either phoned directly (‘Gruezi, Herr Darlington. Hier ist die Migros Central Administration Stadt Zurich…’) or notified by email (‘Nick, please phone Frau Huerlimann on 012 345 6789…Our students are trespassing at lunchtime.’)
What do I do? Well, I start with a few controversial comments way under my breath, in that secret place we all have at the back of our mind – this is good for a calmer Karma I was told, because this is going to take time and diplomacy as I defend the basically excellent behaviour of our ICS students whilst acknowledging the presence of a rotten apple, or an apple tempted into making a rotten decision. Then I telephone to make an appointment.(‘Ja, gruezi wohl, Frau Huerlimaa! Saged sie, wie labed Sie?Wie gaht es Ihre Maa?) Then I make a visit to assess damage and effect its limitation control. Afterall, some of these circumstances could really be annoying, for example in excess of 300 children traipsing past your door twice a day (and in some cases up to 60 teenagers traipsing up to 10 times a day). On the other hand these are Normal Teenagers which all adults presumably once were. Maybe our neighbours even now own a NT but do not want the added aggravation of dozens of them; yet not every single noisy or careless teenager in the neighbourhood is from the ICS any way. (You spotted I was getting a little defensive there of our students.) Furthermore, an inability to find a common language in a moment of stress can tighten the tension (see reference to small dog above.) Then there is the not eccentric view that four or so assorted large teenagers lounging even sprawling, eating even smoking next to your garden gate whilst speaking loudly in an unfamiliar tongue can be intimidating. And then when they go if they leave their litter there on your ground…well, apoplexy is excusable.
Now I have to find the culprits (I am quite good at this); I speak at an assembly; I ask the tutor to address the students; or I have a Deanish one-on-one depending on the circumstances. Maybe an apology is written or delivered orally, maybe some useful community chores are added to the recipe so that there is an opportunity for reflection and reparation. Several factors dictate which and how much. Whatever, the kids have to see we are in a Swiss community and that big bunches of noisy, extrovert kids might be irritating in certain circumstances so we need to be squeaky clean, therefore, in order to maintain or establish a popular image and reputation. And I am going to push this, they know (or do now.) We are all ambassadors, I say, even when we think we are out of sight or earshot. And stepping aside to let a senior Swiss citizen walk by on the pavement of her own village rather than, say, continuing up Strubenacher in a wide, progress-blocking and frankly intimidating noisy mixed group of 60 ninth graders thus forcing her to step out into the Strubenacher Grand Prix, is a sign of good manners, too.
And this generally does the trick (until the next time), because our ICS students are nothing if not amenable to an appeal to their common sense and good upbringing (but are so involved with the present and the ‘me’).
So now in order to complete the purge I appeal to the few parents and few teachers who short cut across Rinspeed’s courtyard and through the Opel garage behind Waltikon FB station to rethink this decision as it is trespass as well as dangerous. Like the proprietors say to me, big vehicles will be backing out with drivers only cursorily using their rear view mirrors. And I did point out to a close neighbour that we expected their Administration to do something about their customers who park in the DSC parking places whilst going shopping. And they did.
'PDP'
If a school were to develop a perfect Personal Development Programme for students (PDP) ‘Deans of Students’ might very well become obsolete, extinct, sort of museum pieces. I am thinking of a pedagogical equivalent of the Tyrannosaurus Rex; to be reckoned with but dead.. This assumes that the main function of a DoS, traditionally, is to be reactive in situations of poor decision making, making decisions about who to alert and how the student should make good, to do ‘blame’ rather than ‘no blame’. In old eduspeak this was ‘punish’; now it is probably ‘enjoy a constructive conversation about restitution’. A PDP that involved all students drawing them ineluctably into a desire to know all about the dangers of…well…dangerous things and that made them incapable of failing to apply actuarial logic rather than ‘it can’t possibly happen to me’ so that such behaviours were abandoned before being tried… If…Of course, students would still need access to advice and encouragement but not to a confessional. They would analyse the facts and lead safer lives that counselling would then help them to fine tune.
I have been excited to be working this year with a team of enthusiastic colleagues designing a new PDP for implementation next academic year in grades 6 to 12. It builds on what we have done successfully over the past few years and reaches out to other schools’ experiences. It uses the expertise of experienced tutors, it seeks collaboration with experts beyond the school and embraces latest research and models across the globe. It places the student and the students’ social, emotional and intellectual development and all available information at its core. To increase transfer and relevance it will not be encountered just in a dedicated weekly lesson labelled PDP but will appear through collapsed days, through events, through the MYP curriculum already taught in academic curricular, through Inter Disciplinary Units (IDUs) taught at each grade combining the skills of several academic subjects, through sport and service and clubs and activities…
It will open up sympathetically both for discussion and for instruction the vital topics educationalists believe students need expertise in at their age and it will allow timely attention to vital, relevant current events. It will have input from the students, in fact from peer groups and from older students, not just from adults. It will be communicated to parents so that they can contribute and support and at the same time be reassured.
What it will not do is to replace behavioural expectations and consequences in the school. It will not obviate poor decision making either, not because the PDP will not be excellent but because it will be designed for teenagers. And they are volatile and unpredictable as well as being at the centre of their own universes; pre-Copernican a literary figure once dubbed them. So they will not give in to the concept that they do not need to experiment merely because an adult can tell them in advance and save the pain. That will take away the thrill and risk, indeed the whole point of being an adolescent on the way from dependant child to independent adult. We couldn’t stop that even if we wished as this quest is built-in and hard-wired. But the cliché is true that their world is developing so fast and in so many directions in addition to the obstacles to success that we all knew such as college degrees, competition, seeking employment, unemployment, inflation, supply and demand. So it behoves us as educators to ease this rite of passage in order that your children are as well equipped as it is possible to take on their role of improving our planet. And that is what the ICS Secondary School’s team of PDP writers, deliverers and coordinators will endeavour to do.
I have been excited to be working this year with a team of enthusiastic colleagues designing a new PDP for implementation next academic year in grades 6 to 12. It builds on what we have done successfully over the past few years and reaches out to other schools’ experiences. It uses the expertise of experienced tutors, it seeks collaboration with experts beyond the school and embraces latest research and models across the globe. It places the student and the students’ social, emotional and intellectual development and all available information at its core. To increase transfer and relevance it will not be encountered just in a dedicated weekly lesson labelled PDP but will appear through collapsed days, through events, through the MYP curriculum already taught in academic curricular, through Inter Disciplinary Units (IDUs) taught at each grade combining the skills of several academic subjects, through sport and service and clubs and activities…
It will open up sympathetically both for discussion and for instruction the vital topics educationalists believe students need expertise in at their age and it will allow timely attention to vital, relevant current events. It will have input from the students, in fact from peer groups and from older students, not just from adults. It will be communicated to parents so that they can contribute and support and at the same time be reassured.
What it will not do is to replace behavioural expectations and consequences in the school. It will not obviate poor decision making either, not because the PDP will not be excellent but because it will be designed for teenagers. And they are volatile and unpredictable as well as being at the centre of their own universes; pre-Copernican a literary figure once dubbed them. So they will not give in to the concept that they do not need to experiment merely because an adult can tell them in advance and save the pain. That will take away the thrill and risk, indeed the whole point of being an adolescent on the way from dependant child to independent adult. We couldn’t stop that even if we wished as this quest is built-in and hard-wired. But the cliché is true that their world is developing so fast and in so many directions in addition to the obstacles to success that we all knew such as college degrees, competition, seeking employment, unemployment, inflation, supply and demand. So it behoves us as educators to ease this rite of passage in order that your children are as well equipped as it is possible to take on their role of improving our planet. And that is what the ICS Secondary School’s team of PDP writers, deliverers and coordinators will endeavour to do.
Wednesday, 7 May 2008
'But everybody else can...!'
“But Jemima Gruntfuttock’s mum always lets her stay out in town after 12.00! In fact I’m the only one who…and she’s got the Noki Sonyson P7000 with digital 4 mp toastmaker and doesn’t have to pay the abo…”
This is a tricky one, and right now you are thinking ‘You are telling us?! There are actually two issues here. One is to do with parents of teenagers always being wrong in the latter’s eyes when parents do not agree with them. This is to do with growth hormones. The young lion surveying the sun soaked savannah grass washing this way and that in the hot breeze, or chimpanzee if you will, and wanting more power, challenges the established symbol of authority, takes more personal risks until it feels powerful enough to chase away the current (and in his view obsolescent) leader. This urge is something that does not really fit into our urban jungle lifestyle scene. So the teen needs to be presented instead with worthwhile, authentic opportunities to feel a sense of increasing and real responsibility that is not imparted merely by a bigger spending allowance or more freedom later at night downtown with friends.
The second issue is to do with the paradox of a teen wishing to be different whilst wanting at all costs to be an accepted and identifiable part of the pack, the gang, the group; hence the odd and challenging fashions even if they are cold or uncomfortable, or the virtually incomprehensible and rapidly changing jargon they use, in micro soundbites, to communicate. These rituals exclude or include as the teen requires. For the teen wants to be an individual and respected for being such on the teen’s terms as well as to be loved enormously and included in everything at the same time.
So what is the answer for responsible parents of teens who wish to continue so to be, rather than the increasingly attractive alternative of simply going mad? First, be there! There is absolutely no substitute for the parents’ love and interest, involvement and concern, boundary setting and boundless love. This role connects the reassuring past common to all members of that family, to the launch pad to independence where informed decisions will be made. There is no substitute.
Next, find out what other teen parents are really doing and saying to their children, to get the information first hand rather than through a frankly biased messenger. Another idea is for grade parents to pool ideas about the dynamite issues of, say, the amount of spending money, the time of last train home (yours, not the SBB’s), sleeping over, attitude to alcohol (beer as opposed to spirits?), smoking (‘My parents let me at home…’) and so on. Only the G9 (or G10 or G8) pool of parents will be able to come up with the full spectrum of issues relevant to international teenagers growing up now in the city.
Now, come up with a set of agreements or procedures (‘If she says she’s sleeping over at Muriel’s I’ll check with Muriel’s mum there will be someone there. I’ll also check if another adult in the next room watching TV would be a help.’) Check out the clubs and pubs that some of these teens go to and where, by the way, they can access alcohol whatever the law might state (‘I just ask the first young adult who comes by and give him the money…’ was quoted to me this month.) Use the Web to check the sites. If they do go out in a group insist that you know exactly where they will be at all times; avoid the random as it hides the unknown. And so on…your pool of parents will cover all of this and more.
And will an increase of knowledge (you), or interference (them), cause more stress in the family? Maybe for a moment, but it will eventually just prove your loving concern. It did for me with my teenager.
This is a tricky one, and right now you are thinking ‘You are telling us?! There are actually two issues here. One is to do with parents of teenagers always being wrong in the latter’s eyes when parents do not agree with them. This is to do with growth hormones. The young lion surveying the sun soaked savannah grass washing this way and that in the hot breeze, or chimpanzee if you will, and wanting more power, challenges the established symbol of authority, takes more personal risks until it feels powerful enough to chase away the current (and in his view obsolescent) leader. This urge is something that does not really fit into our urban jungle lifestyle scene. So the teen needs to be presented instead with worthwhile, authentic opportunities to feel a sense of increasing and real responsibility that is not imparted merely by a bigger spending allowance or more freedom later at night downtown with friends.
The second issue is to do with the paradox of a teen wishing to be different whilst wanting at all costs to be an accepted and identifiable part of the pack, the gang, the group; hence the odd and challenging fashions even if they are cold or uncomfortable, or the virtually incomprehensible and rapidly changing jargon they use, in micro soundbites, to communicate. These rituals exclude or include as the teen requires. For the teen wants to be an individual and respected for being such on the teen’s terms as well as to be loved enormously and included in everything at the same time.
So what is the answer for responsible parents of teens who wish to continue so to be, rather than the increasingly attractive alternative of simply going mad? First, be there! There is absolutely no substitute for the parents’ love and interest, involvement and concern, boundary setting and boundless love. This role connects the reassuring past common to all members of that family, to the launch pad to independence where informed decisions will be made. There is no substitute.
Next, find out what other teen parents are really doing and saying to their children, to get the information first hand rather than through a frankly biased messenger. Another idea is for grade parents to pool ideas about the dynamite issues of, say, the amount of spending money, the time of last train home (yours, not the SBB’s), sleeping over, attitude to alcohol (beer as opposed to spirits?), smoking (‘My parents let me at home…’) and so on. Only the G9 (or G10 or G8) pool of parents will be able to come up with the full spectrum of issues relevant to international teenagers growing up now in the city.
Now, come up with a set of agreements or procedures (‘If she says she’s sleeping over at Muriel’s I’ll check with Muriel’s mum there will be someone there. I’ll also check if another adult in the next room watching TV would be a help.’) Check out the clubs and pubs that some of these teens go to and where, by the way, they can access alcohol whatever the law might state (‘I just ask the first young adult who comes by and give him the money…’ was quoted to me this month.) Use the Web to check the sites. If they do go out in a group insist that you know exactly where they will be at all times; avoid the random as it hides the unknown. And so on…your pool of parents will cover all of this and more.
And will an increase of knowledge (you), or interference (them), cause more stress in the family? Maybe for a moment, but it will eventually just prove your loving concern. It did for me with my teenager.
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